I have recently started writing short blog posts once a month for a local magazine called ‘Entertainment’ under the title ‘Diary of a Failed Celebrity’. They focus mainly on the differences i have experienced in celebrity life and the regular small town life i have and continue to live, and sometimes i’m just telling stories.
Firstly i will start with the Facebook status that started this whole writing journey off. It was in response to me being named a ‘failed celebrity’ (yes traumatising i know).And just like Adele i hope that the wanker behaviour of others contributes to my flying success. I did receive over 300 Facebook likes for this particular ranting post, so that’s the same.
Here it is…
THE SMALL TOWN LIFE OF A ‘FAILED CELEBRITY’ by me.
So during my many years of living in a lovely little town, the accidental but seemingly incessant need to be on TV has unsurprisingly made myself a bullseye target for general gossip, insults and bad judgement (and not just from my friends). Luckily enough for me due to the high volume of darts being thrown my way I have come to find the much funnier side to them. I have been patient (in my impatient world anyway), have grown, and through many confusing experiences have accepted humanity, that being – some people are just stupid. It’s not their fault. They just are. So this is an ‘open letter/Facebook status’ to the vast array of people that I think are stupid…
1. People that call me a ‘div’ and have never actually spoken a single word to me. Ever. You are as annoying and stupid as people that say they don’t like the taste of something they’ve never eaten. And we all know they are really annoying people.
2. People that say ‘oh I thought you were going to be really stuck up, but you’re actually quite nice.’ – 1. Backhanded compliment. 2. Yes surprisingly I still live at home, eat, sleep and work like every normal person. And yes, I am quite nice.
3. People that come into my work and say ‘oh, you work here now??’ With a very loud hint of empathy and pity. – Yes well being on TV 5 years ago surprisingly doesn’t pay that well. And babe bitch gotta get that money.
Where do you work?? Shitting diamonds are you?? No didn’t think so.
Also my love for adventure and experience hasn’t done all that many favours for my work CV. I’m not a lawyer or a nurse BUT I have shared a stage with Bon Jovi, lived on an island for 5 months, travelled some ridiculous parts of the world and got drunk that many times in places and with people you could only dream about. I sure know which life I’d pick. And not to gloat anymore but in all that chaos I actually gained a degree in Psychology. So no with the pity face.
4. People who say ‘how come you’re still here’, ‘awwww that’s sad that you’re back home now’ *pity face. Hang on. This is the first time I’ve seen you in town after you’ve been in your house for 10 years having babies and playing candy crush. What do you mean why am I here 30% of the year??? Because it’s my home maybe?? Stupid.
And I forgot you were Christopher Columbus because you had a day out in Whitby last year. Soz.
5. People who say ‘you think you’re mint now because you’ve been on TV’. Errrrrrm I didn’t but I do now after listening to you. STUPID.
6. People who try to use ‘failed celebrity’ as an insult, Now this one in particular is one of my faves. However I do still have trouble understanding the insult in itself, as i am unaware of the maths behind measuring someone’s ‘failure’ in the world of celebrity. All I do know is no longer does anyone interrupt me while I’m about to tuck into a nice restaurant dinner for an effin picture, and thank F*** for that.
I did however fail to save my dignity from being embarrassingly crushed when I met Michael Buble and Katy Perry, but ya know, can’t win them all.
7. ‘Wannabe celebrity’- Again a favourite, and also the most commonly used. I suppose in a literal sense it seems as though it was once true. I ‘wanted’ to be a celebrity. When actually, every time I’ve put myself on TV it’s just been a creative (and very fun) attempt to avoid ever getting a real job. I’m a lazy cow. That’s it. But honestly, I’ve never really been able to feel insulted because I mean, we all want to be something don’t we?? Mines just ‘wannabe songwriter residing in LA with 10 dogs and a decent tan’. Get it right, thanks.
8. People who look like shit and think they have a right to comment on my outfit. NO.
9. Every person that has ever passed on a rumour or made up a rumour that I’ve either been pregnant (twice), been a drug addict (like I could ever afford that), had sexual relations with people I’ve never even heard of, had diseases of every kind (even aids once. Someone actually rang me to tell me they ‘knew’ I had aids because they gave me it… When he realised that that meant he had aids he quickly told me he didn’t because he’d ‘cured’ himself. That was a fun phone call from an unknown stupid person). The best one, a Paedophile (that was mainly Niall from 1Ds fault for saying that he fancied me, but didn’t really the media just twisted it, but yes I did actually get called that a few hundred times on Twitter by very angry teenage girls).
The point of my story is that 1. Yes people can be really stupid. 2. If you’re one of these people then try and refrain from looking even more stupid by keeping these silly thoughts to yourself. Or thinking for a moment before you say them out loud. If you’re mean you’re miserable. Instead be nice. It’s a much more affective and less negative way of pissing people off.
I have had some good laughs though guys.